“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Breaking news:
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.