*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
new career option?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?