Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.