Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
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LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
…u ok Nintendo?
Breaking news:
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
What the dentist sees
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING