Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
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Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves