Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Dogs should be allowed to drive.