I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
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A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing