without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?