me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait