Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
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Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Here’s a meme
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Social Media and Real life
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
(True)
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.