I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
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[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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