I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.