Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
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a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?