If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.