I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
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Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Help Wanted
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Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
📽️movie date🎞️
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.