Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..