My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
What about second breakfast?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby