Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Yup.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears