it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
is nasa ok
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling