BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
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Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.