[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door