The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.