If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.