I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
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I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.