My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
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[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
called in thicc to work this morning
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too