Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
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Sign of the day..
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.