Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
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[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff