Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
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Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
welp
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…