Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
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My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Happy Caturday!
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
It do be feeling this way.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.