8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
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“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Spring of Deception
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down