Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
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PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.