When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
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My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”