inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.