“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care