You sure about that?
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I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Wait a minute
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*