Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
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I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Not recommended for beginners.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.