YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
You Might Also Like
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check