*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
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Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
This line from Airplane.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.