My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
You Might Also Like
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
wish me luck lads
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over