I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
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Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
What the hell happened here.
#growingpains
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list