“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!