Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
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Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
i wish we could shoplift online
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks