Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate