You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
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confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
The Struggle
this has done me in for some reason
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted