I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
🤣😈🤣
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*