I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
*pronounces woah like Noah*
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!