“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
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Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Squirrels before girls.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
How to make infinite energy.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I’m crying im so happy for them
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*