Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 馃槶馃槶馃槶
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be鈥UN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don鈥檛 make the rules.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn鈥檛 wish it on anyone
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don鈥檛 like that kid鈥檚 mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I鈥檒l see you in hell, Bethany.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it鈥檚 for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
We’ve all been there
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?