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A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions