[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
You Might Also Like
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed